


Incorrect Deckertar Quotes

by EvenEth13



Series: Incorrect Quotes [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Cute Chloe, Cute Lucifer, Deckerstar - Freeform, Established Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar, F/M, Incorrect Deckerstar Quotes, Incorrect Quotes, Pranks, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26000362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenEth13/pseuds/EvenEth13
Summary: Random incorrect Deckerstar quotes that I’ve been posting on Tumblr. The conversations vary from tiktoks to my day to day conversations.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Incorrect Quotes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017924
Comments: 23
Kudos: 224





	1. Quest To Annoy My Girlfriend

**Lucifer: *recording a video*** “Here is a list of the top ten humans I would cheat on my girlfriend with. Coming in at number ten is her father, John…” 

**Chloe: *off in the distance*** “Lucifer! What in the Hell? Do not post that!”

**Lucifer: *looks into camera*** “I won’t” ***posts* 😈**


	2. Good O' Fashion Teasing

**Lucifer: *on his phone***

**Chloe:** “Do you ever just look at your boyfriend and you’re like, daaaaammmmnn....”

**Lucifer: *smiles* *sets phone down***

**Chloe:** “DAAAAAMMMMNN… I coulda done so much better.”

 **Lucifer: *sad face*** “what?”

 **Chloe:** “I should not have said that, I’m so sorry.”


	3. Auntie Maze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Get Low" - Ying Yang Twins

**Maze:** “Decker you will not believe what I just taught your offspring.”

**Chloe:** “... I’m afraid to ask which child you are referring to…”

**Maze:** “Obviously yours and Lucifer’s… child! ***calls him over*** show your mother what I taught you.”

**Spawn: *four year old cinnamon roll* *plays ukulele*** “To the window, to the wall. To de pa pa down my balls. Oh skeet, skeet, a movva truckaa. Oh skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet…”

**Chloe: *mortified***

**Maze: *proud*** 😀 “I can’t wait to show his father!”

**Spawn:** "Did you like it mamma?"

**Chloe:** "... I think your father will love it." 


	4. Face-time Gone Wrong

  
  


**Amenadiel: *face-timing Linda*** “Luci look at Charlie, isn’t he cute!”

**Lucifer: *charlie looking like an alien*** “Oh…”  ***makes a face***

**Amenadiel: *whispers*** “Linda is on the phone…”

**Lucifer: *mortified***

**Chloe:** “He’s beautiful… He’s beautiful Linda, don’t listen to Lucifer!”  ***punches Lucifer*** “Idiot!” 


	5. Political View

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ACAB - All Cops Are Bastards

**Trixie:** “So I’m in trouble for having a political opinion?”

**Lucifer:** “No…”

**Chloe:** “You’re in trouble for picking the lock on the liquor cabinet…”

**Lucifer:** “Taking my best liquor!”

**Chloe:** “... putting pieces of felt down in it, lighting them, and throwing them at the neighbors house, just because they’re flying a Trump flag. I can’t even believe you encouraged Lucifer to throw said Molotov cocktails at me, when they called the cops!”

**Lucifer:** “Yeah ACAB!”

**Chloe:** “Lucifer, I am a cop!”

**Trixie: *silence*** “... So I’m in trouble for picking the lock?”

**Chloe: *facepalm***

**Lucifer:** “and for using my finer liquor…”


	6. Nun On The Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this last week and it's now 10x more hilarious knowing ep 5 has nuns in it.

**Ella: *points to nun*** “Hey look, it’s a nun on the run.”

**Lucifer:** “In the name of the Holy Spirit, you go sister!”

**Nun:** “Amen!!”

**Lucifer:** “Amen!”

**Ella:** “I wonder why she’s running?”

**Lucifer: *shrugs*** “Late for mass?” 

**Chloe: *running after nun*** “Lucifer! Don’t just stand there, help me catch the nun!” 

**Dan: *out of breath*** “Get back here!”


	7. Snake In My Ukulele

**Lucifer: *snake in ukulele*** “Huh?”

**Chloe:** “Oh my god! Lucifer, put it down!”

**Lucifer: *starts playing ukulele*** “There’s a snake in my ukulele. I can’t get him out man this shit is crazy. There’s a snake in my ukulele. I can’t get him out…” ***shakes ukulele***

**Snake: *rattles***

**Chloe:** “Lucifer!!”

**Lucifer: *continues to play*** “There’s a snake in my ukulele. I can’t get him out, man this shit is crazy. There’s a snake…” 

**Snake: *siss***

**Lucifer:** “Yeah he’s not coming out. He’s too busy vibin’.” ***pokes snake*** “Hey little buddy!”

**Chloe: *facepalm***

  
  



	8. Quest To Annoy My Boyfriend

**Chloe:** “Since Lucifer likes to play this little game, two can play at that game”

***records video next to Michael*** “Here is a list of the top ten guys I would cheat on my boyfriend with. Coming in at number 9 is his twin brother, Michael.”

**Michael:** ***smiles into camera*** “Ooo, I do like this game. Why, hello Detective.”

**Lucifer:** “What!?” ***walks over***

**Chloe:** “I’m just kidding! I’m just kidding!” 😂 

**Lucifer:** ***takes phone* *drags Michael away***

**Michael:** “I didn’t do anything!”


	9. It's Too Damn Hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> California is literally on fire. It's too damn hot in this bish...

**Ella:** “I did not sign up for this. When I prayed during the winter months, I asked the Lord to make it warm. I did not say, ‘Lord please bring the Devil from Hell and have him sit his ass crack on Earth.’ That’s not what I asked for.”

**Chloe:** ***fans herself*** “Amen!” 

**Ella:** “Well... turn the heat down if you’re really the Devil, Lucifer.” 

**Lucifer:** "This isn’t my fault!”


	10. Road Rage Maze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the guy who cut me off the other day... your moms a hoe

**Guy: *pulls up*** "You know if you keep driving like that something bad is going to happen to you!"

**Maze: *road rage*** "Something bad is going to happen to me? You're the one who cut me off!"

**Chloe: *shook*** "Uh Maze..."

**Maze:** "Decker, whip it out!" ***gets out of car***

**Chloe:** "What the... Shit! Fuck!" ***unclips herself* *follows Maze***

**Guy: *screaming***

**_____**

**Dan:** "So... anyone want to explain to me, how exactly this guy ended up with his head in the steering wheel?"

**Maze and Chloe:** "No idea..." 


	11. The Lady Lilith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTOWIMJkKpc. Original audio

**Interviewer:** "Give us some of your political beliefs."

**Lilith:** "Kill everyone now. Condone first degree murder..."

**Michael: *Heart eyes***

**Lilith:** "Advocate canibalisim! EAT SHIT! ***flips hair***

"Filth are my politics, filth is my life! Take whatever you like ***winks* *blows kiss at camera***

**Interviewer: *turns to camera*** "Well you heard it here folks, from the first woman herself! This is KESQ News, Good night! 

**Michael:** "What a woman..." 


	12. Depressed Chloe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been weeks since Lucifer left for Hell. Chloe has quite adjusted to living without her partner.

**Chloe:** "Fun fact about me, you can usually tell how I'm coping with Lucifer bring in Hell, by the amount of dirty dishes laying around my house..."

**Maze: *putting dishes away***

**Chloe: *looking around*** "So I'd say I'm..." ***counts dishes*** "... 3,4,5... Depressed." 

**Linda:** "Yeah... that's not normal Chloe."

 **Chloe:** "No it's ok. Maze is usually really good at putting the dishes away." 


	13. Quest To Annoy My Girlfriend #2

**Lucifer:** "I'm back with the list of Humans I would cheat on my girlfriend with. Coming in at #8 is our colleague and friend, Miss Ella Lopez

***looks over in Chloe's direction***

**Chloe: *interested*** "Who?"

**Lucifer:** "Miss Lopez?"

**Chloe:** "Oh! I mean she is kinda hot..."

**Lucifer: *surprised*** "I'm posting that!"

**Chloe:** "What! Nooo!"

**Lucifer: *posts*** "Too late! 😈"


	14. Yeet Me Into The Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EightGreatDanes made a Blackbird cover from The Beatles. It's really good. Go check it out 
> 
> https://soundcloud.com/old_eli/blackbird-cover

**IN HELL**

**Brian:** "He's been at it for 3 days now... He needs a hug... I think you should give him a hug."

**Belphegor:** "Yeah, I'm not touching him..."

**Brian:** "Fine, I'll give him a hug" ***Belphegor stops him***

**Belphegor:** "He's about to sing... Let's see what he has to say."

**Lucifer: *playing guitar*** "I'm so done with this fuckin place. If I die, please don't resuscitate. I am done... done. Pour me one more drink and then yeet me into the Sun..."

**Brian: *clapping*** "Beautiful Lord Morningstar!"

**Belphegor: *whispers to Brain*** "You get the drink, I'll get the Sun..." ***takes off***

**Brian:** "wHaT! NO!"


	15. wHaT iS yOuR nAmE!?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJSNwskT/ . Is the video I took this lovely idea from. But https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJSNgBHA/ is the original. 
> 
> I can’t stop repeating this audio around the house at my siblings. It’s a nice little laugh

**Michael:** ***yells from across the precinct"** "What's your name!?"

 **Lucifer:** "WhAt?!"

 **Michael:** "wHaT iS yOuR nAmE?!"

 **Lucifer:** "TONY!"

 **Michael: *middle finger*** "fUcK yOu TONY!"

 **Lucifer: *points at Michael*** "WhAt'S yOuR nAmE?!"

 **Michael: *pelvic thrust*** "EZEKIEL!"

 **Lucifer: *hits the woah with middle finger*** "fUcK yOu EzEkIeL!"

 **Michael: *middle finger*** "FUCK YOU!"

 **Lucifer: *middle finger*** "FUCK YOU!"

**both giggling from opposite side of precinct**

**Chloe: *eye roll*** "I hate the both of you"

 **Dan: *recording everything*** "I got it!" 


	16. Camping Trip

**Lucifer: *recording video*** "So Maze and I are listening in on these kids conversation about summoning demons."

**Maze:** "Idiots"

**Lucifer:** "Imbeciles, like I haven't prepared for the possibility of summonings"

**Maze:** "Get back to the story"

**Lucifer:** "Yes sorry. So!" ***goes back to recording*** "One of them voiced that you'd only know if you summoned one if you hear broken glass."

**Maze: *waves Corona bottle*** "We're gonna have some fun" 

**Lucifer:** "We're giving it 20 minutes" 

[ **20 MINUTES LATER]**

**Maze: *yeet four bottles off into the distance* *demon face***

**Kids: *screams***

**Lucifer:** "Show time!" 😈


	17. Quest To Annoy My Girlfriend #3

**Lucifer: *recording video*** "I'm back with the top ten human I would cheat on my girlfriend with. Coming in at number 7 is her ex husband, Dan."

***green screen of Detective Douche in the back*** "Not a bad looking man when he puts in the effort"

**Chloe: *pops out of nowhere***

**Lucifer: *gets scared* *drops phone*** "Dear Dad! You scared the stars out of me!"

**Chloe:** ***choke hold*** "I'm going to beat the shit out of you! Stop doing this!" 

**Lucifer: *posts*** "NEVER!" 


	18. After Life With Gaudium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaudium is my personal assistant and is happy to answer anyone's questions

**New Soul Arrives**

**Guadium:** "Come in!" ***types at computer*** "Okay! What's your case number, Hon?"

 **Soul: *scared* *stuttering*** "832..."

 **Gaudium: *stop*** "Alright" ***types away*** "Ooo... looks like your place of death was at a Black Lives Matter protest" ***scrolls through files*** "and the cause... a rubber bullet to the face, fired by the cops" ***sympathizes with soul*** "Ouch! Gods! I am so sorry" ***hands soul a jar of M &Ms***

 **Soul: *takes a handful*** "I died?" 

**Guadium: *puts jar back*** "Yeah.... but don't worry! It's my job to get you to the correct after life. We'll get this all sorted. Okay?"

 **Soul:** "Oh... ok"

 **Guadium: *looks through file*** "So it looks like you selected Pagan as you're religion, but didn't specify which Pantheon. Who did you worship?"

 **Soul:** "... Uh Norse"

 **Gaudium:** "The Norse?" ***types away* *file pops up*** "Ooo this is perfect! Okay! Because you were in a protest fighting for justice and equality... and you died a violent death... technically you died in battle!" ***types away*** "Which means you qualify for Valhalla or Folkvangr..."

 **Soul: *happy*** "Oh... that's nice. How do I get to either of them?"

 **Guadium: *stops typing*** "So you're going to want to do is take the elevator up" ***points in the direction*** "and a Valkyrie will take you to Odin or Freya. They will probably ask you a couple of questions and one of them will claim you" ***goes back to computer*** "After that the Valkyrie will guide you to whatever hall you have been selected for..."

 **Soul:** "Uh... okay... what about reincarnation?"

 **Gaudium: *looks back at soul*** "Well... just like any other afterlife, there's a 90 day waiting period for reincarnation. You can reincarnate anytime you choose after that..."

 **Soul:** "Oh! Thank you"

 **Gaudium:** "No problem!" ***smiles* *goes back to typing*** "Ummm k... any other questions for me?"

 **Soul:** "What's the meaning of life?"

 **Gaudium: *smiles*** "Oh that's an easy one... 42!"


	19. Anger Management

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2: Road Rage Maze

**Linda:** "Court ordered anger management Mazikeen... I can't believe it's come down to this."

**Maze:** "I would not need to learn how to manage my anger, if more people would learn how to manage their stupidity."

**Linda:** "Maze!"

**Maze:** "What I'm right."

**Chloe:** "She do be right though..."

**Linda:** "I don't approve of the two of you hanging out so much."

**Chloe and Maze sitting with their arms folded over their chest**

**Maze:** "Decker and I are partners" ***smiles at Chloe*** "We got each other's back."

**Linda:** "And that is exactly how an officer of the LAPD got roped into anger management with you..."

**Chloe:** "Was worth it..."

**Linda: *shakes her head*** "You're worse than Lucifer..."


	20. One Too Many Pina Coladas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Converted from New Girl. Where Nick gets Jess drunk to impress her teacher friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a late night with Maze, Chloe has a killer hangover

**Chloe: *passed out in bed***

**Linda, Maze, and Trixie standing over Chloe**

**Linda:** "Did you kill Chloe?"

 **Maze:** "No! No, she just got really drunk last night and passed out"

 **Dan: *walks in*** "Still nothing? Did you kill her Maze?"

 **Maze:** "No I did not kil..."

**Chloe: *groans***

**Everyone turns to her**

**Dan:** "Okay... remember that time I was so hungover and almost missed my flight to see my parents?" ***he looked at Trixie***

 **Trixie:** "Yeah!"

 **Maze:** "I remeber that story!"

 **Ella and Linda:** "We're singing?" ***they all nod their heads***

**"3...2...1!"**

**All together: *clapping*** "I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!"

**Chloe: *waking up* *making uncognitive noises***

**All together:** "I think about it every night and day! I spread my wings and fly away!"

 **Chloe:** "No... no!" ***hiding under covers*** "Stooooop!"

 **All together:** "I believe I can soooooaaaar!"

 **Chloe:** "I'm up, I'm up!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun. I liked converting these stories over into the Lucifer universe. Sadly this is the end. I might continue it, but for the meantime... I gotta get back to Devil In Your Soul


End file.
